Supporting gender-diverse young people

By Dr Chris Phillips (they/them)

• Having your heart in the right place is the most important thing.

People often feel like they are walking on eggshells and not able to say anything correctly. But sincerity will still help you to be supportive – even if you don’t know exactly how to deal with terminology you haven’t heard before.

• Let the young person guide you.

If you don’t know what someone would prefer, asking is normally appropriate – unless it’s something sensitive (like medical or intimate information). Asking can be a way to make people feel like they have been listened to. An example might be, “What pronouns would you like me to use?” “Would you be happy if I let other people in the congregation know?”

• Practice makes perfect.

It can be more difficult for people in older generations to get used to a different name or pronouns (especially ones that aren’t ‘he’ or ‘she’). Practising new names or pronouns with a friend (or with another young person) can make our brains click easier when things are needed.

• The art of saying sorry.

Apologies for messing up language can be hard for two reasons – either we feel reluctant to admit a mistake or we get more upset than needs be (I am still guilty of this at times). A short, simple apology and then moving on with the conversation is often the best approach.

• The past is the past.

Trans and gender-diverse people can often find people referring to their old name distressing. It’s generally better to refer to people by their current name even if you are talking about a time in the past when they weren’t using that name: “when Lee was a baby” rather than “when Lee was baby Lisa”. If the person wouldn’t know the new name, you can usually talk around who they are rather than using the old name unless absolutely necessary.

• Give everyone a chance to shine.

Promoting and participating in activities and events can be effective ways for trans and gender diverse young people to feel affirmed and safe. Days that can be helpful are IDAHOBIT day (17 May), Wear it Purple Day (the last Friday of August), or Trans Day of Visibility (31 March). Connecting trans and gender diverse young people with peers (even if you must look a little further away than usual) can also help with confidence and avoid feelings of isolation.

• Supporting loved ones through their own journey.

It can be tough when a family member’s journey isn’t what you expected, and most people do better talking things out. I recommend finding loved ones someone knowledgeable to talk to that isn’t the young person themselves, so that complicated feelings can be safely aired and explored without anyone getting hurt.